Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm Rich

Sometimes it pays to be a lucky motherfucker. This is one of those times.

Today, I was fortunate enough to have an auditor from a large South African bank send me an email alerting me to my new found wealth. The message reads like a wet dream. If you have erotic dreams about Africans struggling to write in English, that is.

The original message is as follows:

"Good Day,
I am Patrick Phila Auditor/ a staff in one of the leading bank in South Africa. During the annual year account auditing I discovered an abandoned large sum of money (US$14.7M) belonging to one of our late Foreign Customer, who happened to have similar surname with you.
The owner of this account was involve in ghastly car accident here in South Africa.
I am writing you to seek for your Sincere Co-operation to present you as the heir to the available cash since he does not specify anyone as his next of kin on our record. Due to the sensitivity of this matter i have intentionally left out some final details.
If you are interested and capable to help me, please state your full names, Address, Age, telephone/fax number and occupation to enable me make you the next of kin to the available funds.
I will provide details and sharing ratio once I hear from you this deal is between two of us no third party. Please get back to me.
Mr.Patrick Phila."

After reading this incredible message I knew that I had to respond quickly. It was quite obvious to me that, on this very day, God had decided that he would shine upon me with his glorious grace – his grace being hundred dollar bills.

Knowing this, I quickly wrote out this response:

"Good day, Pat.

I was rather excited when I saw your listed amount for $14.7M (which doesn't sound like a made-up figure at all). I also agree with you that, since I am the awesomest person in the world, I do deserve to be lucky enough to earn this grand sum from my poor, recently deceased family member (who I don't feel a shred of sadness for. Seriously, I'm fucking glad that he's dead. Fuck him). By the way, it is a good thing that I am the only person with my particular surname in the world; otherwise I might have been slightly suspicious of your intentions.

I would also like to thank you for being so kind as to do a long, hard search for me after my (enter particular mysterious family member)'s death has occurred. I imagine that, had I been in your position, I probably would have funneled all of the money into a sock puppet bank account that had been registered under my name. But then again, we all can't be geniuses, now can we, Patty? I hope you don't mind if I call you that, do you, Patty?

This brings me to another issue: the whole "I don't know your name" thing. Now, I do understand that it can be rather difficult to do research on someone who you are writing an email to. Especially if this said email is about $14,700,000. And it makes things even more difficult if you have already suggested that you knew my name from the beginning of the email. But hey, no one's perfect, right?

Since I'm a very understanding person, I have decided that I will call up my records to give you my full name and identification. Unfortunately, however, I have run into a bit of a snag. You see, I seem to have forgotten all of my personal information. What makes things worse is that my house was just involved in a ghastly house accident that burnt it to the ground. Because of this tragic event, I have no way to access my recently forgotten ID.

For me to give you my identification I'm going to need financial help so that I can go to the "American ID Record-o-tron"(AIDR) and pay to have all of my information re-implanted into my neural-synthotronizers. Seeing as I have no Republic Credits at this time, I'm going to need you to give me a bank account number or PayPal account so that I can pay the AIDR in advance. I would appreciate it if you could send me the relevant information as quickly as possible.

Thanks again.

Your loving business associate,


Unfortunately, I'm still awaiting a response.

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