Friday, July 27, 2012

Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mario Edition

    Mario is a staple of gaming. All anyone needs to recognize him is his brightly colored costume and any of the pantheon of zany characters who often accompany him on his fanciful adventures of doing whatever the fuck he's supposed to do. What does he do, anyway? If saving Princess Peach is his only motivation maybe he should pick up a hobby that doesn't involve women—gay sexual intercourse, perhaps?

One third of my audience just became very excited at the prospect

At least ass sex doesn't run the risk of having a giant turtle-dinosaur spit fireballs at you whenever you do anything at all. At most, the only thing gay Mario would have to worry about is poop-dick and the occasional Westboro Baptist Church protester—and hell, if the Westboro Baptist Church isn't mad at you, what have you been doing with your life? Living by the Bible, you say? Well, shit, what are you even doing here then?

Oh, right: sexual repression. I always forget.

Anyway, there are certain people out there who think of Mario in a different way than most of us do. These people are (Jesus, I'm getting tired of writing this exposition) yadda yadda yadda, disgusting/perverted.

Hey, let's just get to all the fucked up fan art, okay? Alright, let's do this shit:

Peach in a Diaper
by butterMYbiscuits12

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have diaper fetishes, and people who have never sexually molested an armadillo. In this world of bitter hatred and fanatical devotion of the insane, is it too much to ask that the armadillo-rapers would be so kind as to not draw their fantasies for the world to collectively mourn? Apparently it is too much to ask; far too much, actually.

Female Bowser
by vaginaw4rrior

If an iconic turtle-dinosaur is drawn as a sexy reptilian stripper and no one is around to see it, is it still disturbing? I remember being asked that very same question in philosophy class. Well, okay, it wasn’t really philosophy class; it was actually the scary voice in my head who I named “Philosophy Class”. Still, he may not have been “real” but, hot damn, did he have some really great ideas.

Pregnant Birdo
by Miscarriage Mayhem
This is the obligatory horribly-pregnant-fan-art-that-no-one-wants-to-see entry for this month. Notice the luscious curves of this impregnated Mario character and try not to think about the fact that Birdo was originally supposed to be male. Yes, stare at him intently and do your best not to fall to your knees and weep with the tears of every Native American Chief that ever existed.

Anime Schoolgirl Mario
by tampaxDildos997
It’s well known that major brain trauma can cause a normal human mind to get its wires crossed and start acting really, really funky. In tampaxdildos997’s case, he has probably suffered from more than, I don’t know, let’s just say a dozen strokes; this would explain the strange mixture of primary sexual characteristics seen in this image.

It’s sad really: to him he probably sees this as just an ordinary depiction of Mario. To us, on the other hand, we see only horror in the truest sense of the word.

Ha, just kidding! Yeah, as unbelievable as this might be, the artist who drew this probably doesn’t have any real reason for being as creepy as he is. He just thinks that this image is sexually appealing.

Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Believe me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mass Effect Edition

   There's a few things that the internet has taught me on my journey through the deepest, darkest, rankest, and most questionable SFW fan art that the internet has to offer: it doesn't matter how old or new, how loved or hated, nor how sensual or disgusting the subject is—there is someone out there who will draw it in the most uncomfortable fashion possible. It's almost a "Rule 34" for the sexually repressed, the people who either don't know how to draw a vagina or are unwilling to because their pastor keeps insisting that it's a "bad idea".

Unless he's Ted Haggard, in which case he'd tell you to draw a penis
Those people, though unquestionably passionate for their, um, "art", always seem to add just enough of the disturbing and perverted to their works that anyone who happens to stumble upon them is forever changed. Of course, when I say "changed" I don't mean it in the same way that the people who buy Dr. Phil books mean it. No, I mean it in the way that a soldier changes when he sees a horde of rapist llamas overpower his squad and do to them what nature probably didn't intend, ever. I'm talking about trauma—honest to goodness trauma, the sort that makes your balls (or ovaries, for the ladies) squeal in the language of the ancients and then implode because evolution never created a survival strategy for "Sexy Lola Bunny".

To all those who have come to brave the depths of the strange and insidious with me: welcome, you'll find your Occult robe and complimentary KY Jelly in the mail. So without further adieu, (there's been a lot of adieu) we'll get to the delicious, succulent meat of this episode of Uncomfortable Fan Art. This week we will be probing the brains of the people who finished Mass Effect 3 and had other things on their minds besides the ending.

Sexy(?) Ashley Williams
by IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n

After observing uncomfortable fan art for months and months you inevitably come to the conclusion that you've stopped being a casual observer and have transitioned into a full-blown connoisseur—a professional, of sorts. Never has this destinction bothered me more than when I first saw this image. If it was possible to fuck up human proportions more than what is shown in this image, God himself couldn't do it—and he doesn't even exist.

If you transcribed IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n's original idea, as in his actual thought process, behind this piece, you'd find hundreds of recurring examples of the words "elephantitis" and "ass". So what brings someone to create an artistic version of Ashley crossed with Jay Lo and a hippopotamus? As soon as I find out I'll tell you, presuming, of course, that I haven't destroyed my brain in an effort to protect the world from that knowledge.

Getting Ready for Bed
by phallic_meister

So yeah. It's two Salarians from Mass Effect. And they're fabulously gay.

C'mon, what else could I possibly have to say about this? The list of fetishes that this artist would have to have to create this work is so staggeringly long that I don't think phallic_meister is from our time. He obviously time traveled from ancient Rome—probably while engaged in an orgy with a dozen people, a donkey, and Caligula.

Asari Pin-Up
by tot4llyStr4ight

If Fabio and one of the blue men from The Blue Man Group had a child it would grow up to be this. It would also die at the age of 16 from steroid overdose.

Salarian Female
by tittyelves566

"You know what I should do?" murmured the deranged artist as he gleefully stared at his computer, no one else in the room to hear the insane cackle of his voice.

"I should draw a Salarian-" he paused to consider his own devious plan.

"Yes, I should draw a Salarian—a Salarian with tits!" The low rumble of his voice echoed through his elaborate torture dungeon. It was quite apparent that he was satisfied with his proposed endeavor, an endeavor that would end with him furiously masturbating himself to death.

Though perhaps his work would consume him, he had to do it. He had to muster his might to draw a Salarian with tits. Because, after all, if he didn't do it, who would?

Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Beleive me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Freaky Furday Edition!

   You know what's better than a whenever-I-feel-like-it article about the choicest semi-SFW fan art pictures on the internet? Don't worry, audience, you don't have to guess—this question is rhetorical! The answer is a weekly edition of Uncomfortable Fan Art—also known as the article that you never asked for but are happy enough to masturbate to—that you'll be able to read by your fireplace, with your elegant suede bathrobe fastened around your waist, as your bullmastiff lies by your right leg and your lover is sprawled out, dressed in the finest Fascinations lingerie, clenching your left.

What I propose to give you may be incredible, shit, it may even be beyond human comprehension: I offer to bring you man; man as he is and not as he is perceived. I offer to give you a vision of humanity that is coherent with what you have seen, not what you have been told. I want you to realize, as you see the dark images of what the human race is responsible, that mankind is but a single note in an orchestra of the disgusting.

A note that is beyond reckoning, a note that spells the utter disgrace of the forbidden essences of human existence. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you two drawn images of "manimals" fucking your childhood:

Sexy Peg from "The Goofy Movie"
by Gerb1lUpMyA$$

What is there to say about this image that isn't already said with the gagging noises that you're making right now? Who wouldn't, at the end of a hard day, be happy to come home to this image hanging before them, glistening with the eerie blue lights that line the walls of your very own torture dungeon? I would even say that this picture is tattoo-worthy. (Your move, stupid people.)

I think that this might also make a wonderful ironic t-shirt to wear on special occasions—y'know, job interviews, casual Fridays, weddings, maybe even your nephew's birthday party. (bonus points if you force all the children to watch The Goofy Movie)

My First Babs Pic
by fuckWagon

Okay, my usual modus operandi for these articles is to change the title of the picture from whatever inane stupidity that the "artist" had put down to something a little more intelligible. In this case, I found the original title was so completely fantastic that I just had to use it. The author of this image named the picture "My First Babs Pic". Get it? He is planning to make more of them. That would be like if I accidentally killed someone by pooping in their mouth too much—hey, even the human body has limits, folks—and then I insisted that the judge christen the case "Apollyon's First Poop Murder".

More unnerving than the name, though, is the path that this image forces your eyes to take. This was intentional. The artist actually wants everyone who views his drawing of the Tiny Toons character, Babs, to first look at her face and then work your way down to the exposed panties that this fuckbag so lovingly detailed for his throng of pederastic champions.

Let me just say, if fuckWagon ever gets a chance to read this, that I wish him the best in all of his sick-fuckery and will be awaiting his next Babs piece with great eagerness, puke bucket in hand.

Also, rabbit vagina.

Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Beleive me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.

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