Friday, July 20, 2012

Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mass Effect Edition

   There's a few things that the internet has taught me on my journey through the deepest, darkest, rankest, and most questionable SFW fan art that the internet has to offer: it doesn't matter how old or new, how loved or hated, nor how sensual or disgusting the subject is—there is someone out there who will draw it in the most uncomfortable fashion possible. It's almost a "Rule 34" for the sexually repressed, the people who either don't know how to draw a vagina or are unwilling to because their pastor keeps insisting that it's a "bad idea".

Unless he's Ted Haggard, in which case he'd tell you to draw a penis
Those people, though unquestionably passionate for their, um, "art", always seem to add just enough of the disturbing and perverted to their works that anyone who happens to stumble upon them is forever changed. Of course, when I say "changed" I don't mean it in the same way that the people who buy Dr. Phil books mean it. No, I mean it in the way that a soldier changes when he sees a horde of rapist llamas overpower his squad and do to them what nature probably didn't intend, ever. I'm talking about trauma—honest to goodness trauma, the sort that makes your balls (or ovaries, for the ladies) squeal in the language of the ancients and then implode because evolution never created a survival strategy for "Sexy Lola Bunny".

To all those who have come to brave the depths of the strange and insidious with me: welcome, you'll find your Occult robe and complimentary KY Jelly in the mail. So without further adieu, (there's been a lot of adieu) we'll get to the delicious, succulent meat of this episode of Uncomfortable Fan Art. This week we will be probing the brains of the people who finished Mass Effect 3 and had other things on their minds besides the ending.

Sexy(?) Ashley Williams
by IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n

After observing uncomfortable fan art for months and months you inevitably come to the conclusion that you've stopped being a casual observer and have transitioned into a full-blown connoisseur—a professional, of sorts. Never has this destinction bothered me more than when I first saw this image. If it was possible to fuck up human proportions more than what is shown in this image, God himself couldn't do it—and he doesn't even exist.

If you transcribed IveNeverSeenaRealW0m4n's original idea, as in his actual thought process, behind this piece, you'd find hundreds of recurring examples of the words "elephantitis" and "ass". So what brings someone to create an artistic version of Ashley crossed with Jay Lo and a hippopotamus? As soon as I find out I'll tell you, presuming, of course, that I haven't destroyed my brain in an effort to protect the world from that knowledge.

Getting Ready for Bed
by phallic_meister

So yeah. It's two Salarians from Mass Effect. And they're fabulously gay.

C'mon, what else could I possibly have to say about this? The list of fetishes that this artist would have to have to create this work is so staggeringly long that I don't think phallic_meister is from our time. He obviously time traveled from ancient Rome—probably while engaged in an orgy with a dozen people, a donkey, and Caligula.

Asari Pin-Up
by tot4llyStr4ight

If Fabio and one of the blue men from The Blue Man Group had a child it would grow up to be this. It would also die at the age of 16 from steroid overdose.

Salarian Female
by tittyelves566

"You know what I should do?" murmured the deranged artist as he gleefully stared at his computer, no one else in the room to hear the insane cackle of his voice.

"I should draw a Salarian-" he paused to consider his own devious plan.

"Yes, I should draw a Salarian—a Salarian with tits!" The low rumble of his voice echoed through his elaborate torture dungeon. It was quite apparent that he was satisfied with his proposed endeavor, an endeavor that would end with him furiously masturbating himself to death.

Though perhaps his work would consume him, he had to do it. He had to muster his might to draw a Salarian with tits. Because, after all, if he didn't do it, who would?

Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Beleive me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.

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