Friday, July 27, 2012

Uncomfortable Fan Art Friday: Mario Edition

    Mario is a staple of gaming. All anyone needs to recognize him is his brightly colored costume and any of the pantheon of zany characters who often accompany him on his fanciful adventures of doing whatever the fuck he's supposed to do. What does he do, anyway? If saving Princess Peach is his only motivation maybe he should pick up a hobby that doesn't involve women—gay sexual intercourse, perhaps?

One third of my audience just became very excited at the prospect

At least ass sex doesn't run the risk of having a giant turtle-dinosaur spit fireballs at you whenever you do anything at all. At most, the only thing gay Mario would have to worry about is poop-dick and the occasional Westboro Baptist Church protester—and hell, if the Westboro Baptist Church isn't mad at you, what have you been doing with your life? Living by the Bible, you say? Well, shit, what are you even doing here then?

Oh, right: sexual repression. I always forget.

Anyway, there are certain people out there who think of Mario in a different way than most of us do. These people are (Jesus, I'm getting tired of writing this exposition) yadda yadda yadda, disgusting/perverted.

Hey, let's just get to all the fucked up fan art, okay? Alright, let's do this shit:

Peach in a Diaper
by butterMYbiscuits12

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have diaper fetishes, and people who have never sexually molested an armadillo. In this world of bitter hatred and fanatical devotion of the insane, is it too much to ask that the armadillo-rapers would be so kind as to not draw their fantasies for the world to collectively mourn? Apparently it is too much to ask; far too much, actually.

Female Bowser
by vaginaw4rrior

If an iconic turtle-dinosaur is drawn as a sexy reptilian stripper and no one is around to see it, is it still disturbing? I remember being asked that very same question in philosophy class. Well, okay, it wasn’t really philosophy class; it was actually the scary voice in my head who I named “Philosophy Class”. Still, he may not have been “real” but, hot damn, did he have some really great ideas.

Pregnant Birdo
by Miscarriage Mayhem
This is the obligatory horribly-pregnant-fan-art-that-no-one-wants-to-see entry for this month. Notice the luscious curves of this impregnated Mario character and try not to think about the fact that Birdo was originally supposed to be male. Yes, stare at him intently and do your best not to fall to your knees and weep with the tears of every Native American Chief that ever existed.

Anime Schoolgirl Mario
by tampaxDildos997
It’s well known that major brain trauma can cause a normal human mind to get its wires crossed and start acting really, really funky. In tampaxdildos997’s case, he has probably suffered from more than, I don’t know, let’s just say a dozen strokes; this would explain the strange mixture of primary sexual characteristics seen in this image.

It’s sad really: to him he probably sees this as just an ordinary depiction of Mario. To us, on the other hand, we see only horror in the truest sense of the word.

Ha, just kidding! Yeah, as unbelievable as this might be, the artist who drew this probably doesn’t have any real reason for being as creepy as he is. He just thinks that this image is sexually appealing.

Join Apollyon every Friday for even more horrible things that people draw. Believe me, there's a lot, lot more of this stuff.


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