Wednesday, April 11, 2012

6 More Best of The Worst Uncomfortable Fan Art [That are SFW, Sort of]

   There are only two certainties in 21st century life: death and space-taxes. Ha ha, just kidding—there's really only one certainty: horribly disturbing fan art that only Russian men can get off to. Keeping in the mindset of the great, dark labyrinth known only as the internet, and since I really love traumatizing people more than Christian Bale loves snorting blow and beating women to death with his barbed ape-penis(allegedly), I have created a sequel to the horrendously-popular "Top 6 Best of The Worst Fan Art [That is still SFW, somehow]", where I, if you can remember, showcased some of the most shining examples of what a human mind can produce if you only introduce a little alcohol and a whole lot of repressed-sexuality.

If you have prostate issues, an enlarged pancreas, inflamed bowels, or any other disease that sounds rather icky, I'd really like it if you didn't continue reading, y'know, in case you leak green goop, or whatever, all over your chair; I would really prefer not to think about that, and just knowing that it won't happen while you read my article is comforting to me.

This is what my demographic probably looks like
If you are the sort of person that likes to live in a waking nightmare that not even Satan's non-existent ass could pull you out of, then, by all means, keep reading—no really, I'm sure it will be fun for both of us.

#6. Sexy Ivysaur
 by Pok3Rap3*
   And right out the gate we have something that has all the destructive potential of a serial child rapist with even less conscience. The person who drew "Sexy Ivysaur" no doubt took a few breaks in between drawing this fictitious children show character's ridiculous anthropomorphized breasts to ponder exactly how much duct tape and Vaseline he should put down on next week's grocery list. This is why when Adam asked for a "companion", God didn't make a sexy video game character out of his rib.

#5. Rabid Sonic 
by aDOGbitmeonce

   My adventures in the worst parts of the internet have taught me two things: future children are going to be as likely to watch an episode of the Teletubbies as they will be to commit horrible acts of genocide and that Sonic the Hedgehog is to creepy motherfuckers as Whitney Houston is to all of the drugs, ever. If you are a parent who has a child over the age of 10 and they own anything with a Sonic logo on it—well, I don't really know how to put this so I guess I'll just come out and say it—you have a rabbit fucker on your hands.

Liking Sonic in the 21st century is the same thing as wanting to bone a furry rodent—that's just the way it is now.

#4. "Graceful" Birdo 
by SeeingMommyintheShower2012

    When you've spent as much time as I have analyzing the worst of what the internet has to offer, you tend to not be easily surprised when you see a picture of Birdo showing off some side-boob—but this picture is different, somehow. The artist was proud of this creation, as if to say that he wanted his community to know just how good he is at creating a sexually-charged image of a bird/dinosaur from Mario. If I was a Criminal Profiler working for the FBI, and not just a vigilante Criminal Profiler like I really am, I would definitely put this artist on the top of my agency's watch-list.

Everything about this image screams that, not only is he profoundly satisfied with this creation, but that he wholeheartedly wants to strike again, maybe with something even more egregious and perverse. Notice how he signed and dated the bottom of this piece; in my business we call that a "calling card". He is absolutely planning to commit another atrocious act of terrible fan art and, when he does, I can guarantee that I'll be there, ready to show it off to you.

#3. Crazy Red, Tom Nook, Creeper, & Enderman
by howdoIshotRAPE
   This artist is truly exceptional at the art of the uncomfortable. Somehow he not only found a way to make Animal Crossing characters—notable only for their severe lack of sexuality—impossible to look at again without tearing-up, but also Minecraft characters. Minecraft! Y'know, the game where everyone and everything is made out of blocks? Yeah, that game. This person actually found a way to imagine geometrical objects in a sexual way. Once again, internet, you have bested me. I now completely understand that you are capable of raping anything.

#2. Pregnant Invader Zim
by Penishands 2011
   The reason why serial-fan-art-creators decide to draw their victims pregnant has always eluded me. Do they do it for the thrill? Or maybe they just want to imagine themselves actively impregnating their favorite fantasy characters. What ever the case may be, one thing is absolutely for sure: Penishands 2011 is a sick, sick bastard that deserves to be fed to a Sarlacc pit made completely out of erect penises.

Actually, no—he'd probably enjoy it too much.

...A Sarlacc pit made out of vaginas.

#1. My Pregnant Little Pony
by starin@ur_children
    Okay, okay, I'll admit that now I'm cheating a little bit. The very second that someone decided to create a new children's show with little girls drawn as anthropomorphic ponies, the internet trembled, quaked and released all of it's darkest intentions in a flurry of pedophilia-based bile; on that terrible day, the internet grew even stronger. Because of this new, demonic presence on the web, a simple Google image search is now riddled with horrific images of fan/pedophile-drawn ponies that just ten years ago would have destroyed the reputation of any normal person on this planet. But these days, the game has changed. Now anyone who has the primal urge to jack it to some ponies can have his disgusting hunger sated.

But to those who are fearful of what this means for humanity, do not worry, my Brony horde; it's just for fun.

*The names have been changed to protect the individual artists from social ostracism and/or probable execution by firing squad.


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